Heartbreaking

Jadi ceritanya dua minggu yang lalu saya udah beli tiket buat nonton Sheila on 7 di FIB. Acaranya besok malam. Saya suka banget sama Sheila on 7 dan selalu pengen nonton konsernya langsung, pengen ngeliat Duta dkk tampil di depan mata. Belum pernah soalnya. Kebayang dong senangnya kayak apa pas tahu mereka mau tampil di kampus. Baru setelah saya beli tiket, keluarga saya bilang kalau Sabtu subuh (kurang dari 10 jam pasca nonton Sheila on 7) kami mau ke Sumedang (kereta paling malampun bakal saya naikin kalau emang harus pulang malam itu juga, tapi gak dibolehin), dan ditambah kemarin ada kabar lagi kalau Jumat malam saya harus berobat. Intinya? Saya gak bisa nonton Sheila on 7 besok. Sekian. 

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The Storm is You

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.



And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.



And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about.”

Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Ga. Ngerti. Lagi. Sama. Murakami. 

Gila. 

Bismillah.....

I've just got home from the hospital, from the internist to check what might happen to be the cause of the inflammation in my left eye. What I got is the suggestion to do another lab check, the blood and urine test. Again. It's been scary months to go to the doctors over and over again. To hear what the doctors are saying. To have medicines continuously entering your body. And to have this negative thinking inside your mind, the fear of not getting better yet the hope to get well really soon. Notice that I wrote doctors and not doctor? Yes, I've been to some doctors, not only one. An eye-doctor (I don't know what it is called, an ophthalmologist, maybe?), an internist, and a dentist. I am just....... scared. Hearing lots of unfamiliar medical terms and looking them up in the internet apparently is a bad idea because you'll know that you are facing something serious, that you just helplessly rely on the doctor and praying to God to cure your disease. What it feels like to know that there are antibodies in your blood that work against your own body? What makes it worse is I know there's something wrong with my mindset. The process of curing my disease needs me to have a positive thinking, to have me believe that I will get better. I must not over thinking and get stressed because it does affect the condition of my body. It would be easy if I were optimistic so I would not be as worry as I am right now. But the fact that I'm more a pessimistic one is being a big problem here. I am not saying that I enjoy being pessimist, but you know that feeling when you feel that you have no control over whatever happens to your life, when you're not sure whether everything is going to be fine or not. I've been trying hard not to easily stressed out, to face anything calmly and being confidently optimistic, but it seems that I still have to try harder with some extra efforts. Wish me luck, please? :")

Bismillah. Believe that Allah does not burden any human being with more than he is well able to bear :)